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JENNA BUSH'S BEAUTIFUL WEDDING HEALS AMERICA: In which your editor proves how Love Is All We Need, especially if we're crazy-rich president-kings. [Political Machine]

Here is the most painfully awkward moment in the last two days, where Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe tells Tim Russert that his father, "Big Russ," is dead and watching on from Heaven. "Big Russ" is not dead at all. What revenge does the Hillary campaign have planned for MSNBC? Oh right, killing Tim Russert's father. [YouTube]

We forgot, do we like Michael Bloomberg or not? What's the line on this guy, now that he's not annoyingly running for president anymore? Although he's no Bill O'Reilly, Bloomberg certainly has his pet peeves, the biggest of which is the world "maintain." That word does not transcend race, at all. [YouTube via NY Observer]

Obama-supporting Rep. Steve Cohen, of Tennessee, is very worried about Hillary Clinton hurting the Democratic party. So worried, Cohen is, that he made a colorful statement today about Hillz referencing some old Glenn Close movie. Basically, he wants Hillary to drown and will hold her head in the tub until the monster's lungs finally flood with water.

Or something like that:

Rep. Steve Cohen, D-Tenn, an Obama supporter, compared Clinton to the Glenn Close character in "Fatal Attraction" — a spurned woman turned stalker who was apparently drowned in a bathtub only to jump up one more time to be shot dead.

"Glenn Close should have stayed in that tub, and Sen. Clinton has had a remarkable career and needs to move to the next step, which is helping elect the Democratic nominee," Cohen said during a local TV interview. He later apologized for his comments.

Ha ha, what is he even talking about? Hills has gills to breathe underwater as well as fake Hitler Guns to shoot arugula liberals like Rep. Steve Cohen, all the time.

Dems to Clinton: Don't Hurt Us [ABC News]

Beth Allen, the wife of homosexual former Florida state Rep. "Twenty Dollar" Bob Allen, will not be deterred from Achieving! She is running for Brevard County Elections Supervisor, because someone's gotta make a damn living in that household. Surely that county will have voting problems in the upcoming presidential election, and it will be gay Bob Allen's family that has to decide the president. Barack can't lose! [Orlando Sentinel]

BUT SHE ALWAYS CALLS HERSELF 'HE': Hillary referred to the next president as "he," which either means she's finally going to drop out or she's working directly for McCain now. [Telegraph]

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This old coot is Walt Bayes, a 70-year-old retired Bitter who is running for Idaho's House of Representatives. Two years ago, Bayes went on a comical 59-day hunger strike because of abortion. Quitter! That's OK, because Bayes has lots of good ideas for Larry Craig's state. In his "campaign literature," there are all sorts of innovative ideas for public education, such as this: "It is absolutely wrong to force any student to share the same bathrooms and showers with homosexual teachers or students." He explains.

Apparently for Bayes, it would have been disastrous had he been around naked gals in the school showers when he was growing up, so he is automatically gay:

Bayes said that when he was 18 it would have been "an absolute catastrophe" for him to have showered with girls. But he said he wasn't completely sure how the issue of homosexuals and heterosexuals using the same facilities in schools should be addressed.

"I don't really have an answer for it, but we're going to have to do something if there's going to be a considerable number of our people who are going to go that way (homosexual)," Bayes said. "We're going to (need) some kind of separation."

But if you put all the gay guys in one shower, wouldn't that increase the amount of gay sex in Idaho, Mr. Walter? Also: what if, say, an Idahoan came along who wasn't gay, but just liked to fuck dudes? There surely must be an Idahoan walking this fine line. Which shower would you put him in?

Walt Bayes: Schools need separate bathrooms for gay students [Idaho Press-Tribune via Towleroad]

The death toll in Burma could hit a million people, the worst earthquake to strike China in 58 years has already killed at least 9,000, more than 70 tornadoes killed more than 20 people from the midwest to the southeast, and NASA will make a terrible announcement on Wednesday about something horrific they've been nervously hunting for 50 years.

This is the sinister press release:

WASHINGTON — NASA has scheduled a media teleconference Wednesday, May 14, at 1 p.m. EDT, to announce the discovery of an object in our Galaxy astronomers have been hunting for more than 50 years. This finding was made by combining data from NASA's Chandra X-ray Observatory with ground-based observations.

The object, experts say, is a Space Monster.

Obama is campaigning in West Virginia, where he will lose by 80 points because he is black, and he is wearing a flag pin. Still a terrorist! [McClatchy, Getty Photo]

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Here is angry, crazy Bill O'Reilly, back when he had hair. OMFG he is so mad about the teleprompter. Those of you who are still upset about the existence of Bill O'Reilly will surely enjoy this video clip, which has already been removed by YouTube but which has been rescued by our friends at Gawker.

Hillary Clinton's campaign has acknowledged that it is $20 million in debt. Who cares? That's about a fifth of the money she and Bill have made in the last seven years, and Barack will help ease some of it when she quits. She can put a few more weeks on her AmEx if she wants to, and she might as well at this point: Let her run out the rest of the primaries, everyone will decide, and the only thing pushing her out will be her old nemesis, Math, finally set-in-stone. And then she'll sue and take it to the convention where Al Gore will become president, again. [Washington Post]

Here is Our Hillary in a Denny's or something in West Virginia, talking with some old gal about why gender should always be chosen over race. Lookin' at you, Ms. Fake Woman, in the back. [Getty Photo]

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Here's another reason for Hillary to drop out: Bob Barr, the one-time Republican congressman who started the impeachment of Bill Clinton, just announced he's running as the Libertarian presidential candidate this year, against John McCain. With no actual Republican supporters, McCain is now scheduled to lose the nomination (to Ron Paul) during the Republican National Convention in Minnesota. Wait, what?

Barr just appeared at the National Press Club, probably with Jeremiah Wright and the Disclosure Project, to announce his presidential bid. The Libertarian Party's convention is next week, and the Libertards will probably choose Barr because a) some people have heard of him, b) Ron Paul isn't running as a Libertarian this time, and c) Hitlery-care.

And even the Republican power-brokers who sort of asked him not to run because it will only hurt McCain don't really care, according to the Washington Times:

"In the month since we formed our exploratory committee, not a single Republican who has spoken with me to try and convince me not to seek the Libertarian nomination has disagreed with my reasons for considering a run," Mr. Barr told The Times yesterday in an e-mail exchange before leaving London on a flight to Atlanta.

Most Republicans who asked him not to run "also said they understand why I'd run and why John McCain is not conservative and will not seriously tackle the growth in government power and spending," he said. "Some said they would vote for me if I ran, but for the sake of the Republican Party, they would prefer I didn't."
In other words, "Whatever, it's not like Walnuts is going to win."

Meanwhile, Ron Paul's funny fans have not given up. Emboldened by the wacky chaos they caused at the Nevada GOP convention last month, now they're planning to destroy the national Republican convention in St. Paul in September. Combined with the 550+ delegates held by Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, the Angry Ron Paul faction will — at the least — make an embarrassing shambles of McCain's nomination.

Poor old John is getting less than 75% of the vote these days in a primary he supposedly won months ago. This is because conservatives hate him, because he is a phony Mexican-loving elitist liberal.

Ron Paul's forces quietly plot GOP convention revolt against McCain [LAT Top of the Ticket]
GOP pressures Barr not to run [Washington Times]

As we know, Ron Paul's Manifesto book has been quite the hot ticket in literary circles, making #1 on Amazon.com's and the New York Times' bestseller lists. And why not? It's the best book since Ulysses, a famous Liberal Novel. So now the only question is, why would Barnes & Noble suppress Ron Paul's political ideology by not placing his book at the front of one of their stores? Let's join our old pals at Ron Paul Forums, who have raised this important question.

The issue was raised by RPF Senior Member "erin moore," who was going to Barnes & Noble to "get a few more copies" of the Manifesto, with which to stuff her pillow at night. It was not at the front of the store, of all places not to be!

However, it was still in the back corner of the sotre, bottom shelf, 3 copies. (there were 6 on April 30th an I bought two of them) I was under the apparenty mistaken impression that the BN Bestseller shelves featured prominently at the front of the store were for true bestsellers and I actually thought it was tied into the NYT list. NOT AT ALL.

A book can be #1 everywhere, INCLUDING at BN.com and they won't necessarily feature it on the bestseller shelf up front. There is not hard critera, either. Whatever IS selling or is projected to sell. READ: whichever publisher PAYS for the self space. It is FRAUD.

It should be the Barnes & Noble PICKS or FEATURES.

It doesn't take a constitutional lawyer to realize that this book placement is, indeed, Thomas Jefferson's very definition of "FRAUD."


Screw the lawyers, we can take this into our own hands! Let's move all of the books up front ourselves. And by ourselves we mean "our moms," because they are the creatures that leave the house:


We must remember that this is not just a coincidence of latent fascism — it is overt suppression, determined by the Federal Reserve and its "floating" liberal currency and carried out by its CIA minions who work as part-time stock boys at Barnes & Noble:



Action Alert, B&N FRAUD against Manifesto [RPF via Ron Paul Tumbleblog]

John McCain is such a maverick that he acted like a jerk to a kid who asked him a perfectly reasonable question in one of his precious Town Hall Meetings in Michigan. And then after he intimidated and belittled this very nervous child who wanted to know why he opposed the Fair Pay Act, he went on The Daily Show and referred to her as "a very attractive young woman." Horrifying video footage after the jump.

Take that, youngster! You should be glad John McCain had the testicular fortitude to write and approve the 19th Amendment back when you were a twinkle in your grandma's girdle.

McCain Puts 14-yr-old Girl on the Spot, Disses Fair Pay Act [YouTube]

Oh no! Condi's stuck on repeat! Or maybe shuffle! She went places, she met people... but it all seems so familiar, like she's just coasting for the next eight months or something. I don't know about you, but there are some Condi reruns I'd much rather see, so let's use the magical, revelatory power of Photoshop to pump up the Condiweek that was... after the jump, natch!

See if this sounds at all familiar to you: "Rice left the region Monday without a clear accomplishment. She plans to return in less than two weeks." That's the Associated Press neatly summing up the state of the Condiverse last Monday, and very likely a sentence we can use to start off every other Condi Roundup for the rest of the Bush Administration. Handy! The Bushies, after all, love consistency, and Madame Secretary's got that by the bucketful. Honestly, wouldn't this be a whole lot better:

Does that fill your head with visions of Dr. Ferragamo stationed at a conveyor belt, frantically stuffing chocolates in her face? Mission Accomplished, as they say!

But what about Azerbaijan? I'm so glad you asked! "She seems to have no idea of the region," one of the local eggheads said. "[S]he either has no idea of the situation, or makes a purposed mistake. Condoleezza Rice seems willing to see Azerbaijan as a US subworker." That's our gal! The Condibot, like every good mechanical Bushbot, knows that "progress" is just a stepping stone to having to do something else, which is hard work! Ew! Also, that gives me an idea for another knockout Condi sitcom:

Remember that crazy preacher hanging around the presidential candidate? No, not Wright, the other one! Anyway, noteworthy Catholic-basher John Hagee had some harsh words for America's Princess Diplomat on Wednesday, calling her two-state "solution" to the Israeli/Palestinian prob "a cheap political ploy" aimed at "making Condoleezza Rice a vice presidential candidate and building a midnight legacy for George Bush." Ooooh! Well, at least he didn't call her the great whore. Or Morticia Addams:

For the most hilariously mean/accurate Condi analysis of the past week, let's turn to Middle East Online, whose wonderfully titled essay, The Tragic Futility of Condoleezza Rice, is full of humorous denunciations: "Whenever she moans, as she has done on her previous visits, about Israel's expanding settlements, Prime Minister Ehud Olmert promptly authorizes the construction of more housing units — hardly waiting for her to take off from Ben Gurion airport. It is nothing less than a smack in the face, but she has always come back for more." Maybe she just needs to work on her communication skills:

And what about this Myanmar mess? "It should be a simple matter," Condi revealed. "This is not a matter of politics." Or, presumably, a time for Myanmar's leaders to go shoe shopping during a natural disaster. Hey, Condi learned that lesson so they don't have to! Perhaps Burma just needs Condi to provide some refreshing beverages:

Exciting and New, indeed! Set a course for adventure, Condi!

Veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) explores the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America's Favorite Princess Diplomat™ each week at Wonkette!

PREVIOUSLY: Condi's Ton o' Luv

Hey, maybe the Republican governor of Minnesota is gay enough to run for Vice President after all! It is a scientifically documented fact that many leading lights of the Republican party prefer the company of other gentlemen, and remarks Tim Pawlenty made this weekend suggest he is a member of the Party's elite cabal of well-groomed fellows who happen to know all the words to every ABBA album ever recorded. He told a WCCO radio show host he doesn't have sex with his wife!

Okay actually he said that his wife refuses to have sex with him: "I have a wife who genuinely loves to fish. I mean, she will take the lead and ask me to go out fishing, and joyfully comes here. She loves football, she'll go to hockey games, and I jokingly say, 'Now, if I could only get her to have sex with me I'd really have it made.'"

Still, same difference. Larry Craig's wife doesn't have sex with her husband, either.

Pawlenty's punchline turns his sex-life into a joke [Minnesota Monitor]

The enlightened kingdom of Paultardia has gone the way of Atlantis: deep undercover and off the grid, far from the hoi polloi who cloaked their fear of its greatness in mockery and ridicule. Either that or somebody forgot to pay their hosting bills. [Paulville]