frouman.net

Hey look Al Sharpton is on the boob tube, and he looks like he hasn’t slept since the last time he called something or someone racist or mean (so: yesterday). But whatever, it’s just C-SPAN — the fourth and most laid-back Vivaldi “season” — what could possibly go awry? See? Look! A friendly black man has called in to tell Al that he’s a Fan, in real life and on Facebook: You guys just use Dr. King’s name, up and down, every year, and it’s only gotten worse. Racist! [YouTube]

Al Sharpton - Facebook - YouTube - Black people - Racism

Woah man, Orrin Hatch was in Hatch. It was like he became a town, and then watched as he walked around inside of himself. And then the Whippets stopped playing funny games with his mind. [The Hill]

Orrin Hatch - United States - Senate - Government - Legislative Branch

This is probably supposed to be an attack ad, but isn’t little old Barbara Mikulski just so CUTE when her head is attached to a Tyrannosaurus Rex’s body? And then Reid and Pelosi are too? That should be how Congress does its official portraits. It’s very endearing! ANYWAY, this Eric Wargotz guy is not afraid to put on a silly costume and prance around the Capitol, even though he wants to have a serious job there in a couple of months.

Physician. Family Man. Hardworking. Crabs. This man has crabs.

It is really lovely how immediately after saying “a citizen just like you,” he is shown being crazy around the Capitol, pretending to be Steve Irwin, famed dinosaur hunter.

Also CRABS! [YouTube]

Barbara Mikulski - YouTube - United States - Steve Irwin - Government

Wonkette’s Evan Hurst posts this video of Michelle Bachmann’s husband at another blog, because he is two-timing us, and we shall now cry like Meg McCain about this. This video’s description says Marcus Bachmann likes to cure homosexuals of their gayness “as part of his therapy practice.” (By out-gaying them?)

[Truth Wins Out]

Truth Wins Out - Homosexuality - United States - Wonkette - Government

Vay-cay-shun, all he ever wan-ted! Va-ca-tion, haaaaad to geeet awaaaaay! These are lyrics from an ancient funeral dirge that Barack Obama never sang or thought of while on vacation, probably, even though this was a hit song when he was in high school, in Kenya. Anyway, he’s backsies from the Vineyard just in time for Hurricane Earl to destroy the white-devil holiday isle, so let’s see what our Dear Sexy Leader did this week! In place of our conscience, ABC’s Jake Tapper will be our guide.

On Monday, Barry hung out in his brand-new Barbie Dream Oval Office, complete with boring colors and no Laura Bush-designed sunburst carpet. What a relief not to have to see Laura’s rug every morning and every evening! Though President George W. Bush did describe her carpet as “inspiring” and also “so fucking tight.”

On Tuesday, President Awesomepants made some speech about the Iraq, or something. Robert Gibbs’s non-BFFs on the Professional Left flipped the fuck out because Bamz said something non-hateful about George W. Bush, which they cannot handle because when you are an extremist, everything is either Correct or So Fucking Wrong. This is why I am joining the Modern Whig Party.

On Wednesday, Bam Bam and Bibi got all up on the White House porch and announced that it was bad when people kill people. Specifically, when Arab people kill Israeli people. This staggering change in position blew everyone’s fucking minds all over the White House colonnade, which meant Rahm Emanuel had to spend the better part of Tuesday up on a rickety old ladder, wiping brains and gore off an otherwise-lovely Neoclassical facade. While he did so, the ghost of Benjamin Henry Latrobe appeared and challenged Rahm to a dance-off. Rahm said, “Fuck yourself, I OWN dance” and did a pirouette so stunning that Latrobe was immediately sucked back to the Great Beyond, screaming all the while, “I added on the colonnades but really James Hoban designed the White House!” Then everyone learned a valuable lesson about Truth.

Meanwhile, the United States government continued to ignore what happens when Israelis (and their BFFsies) kill A-rabs. This is because dead children do not count if the bombs and rockets and magic guns that killed them were purchased with a Wal-Mart gift certificate from the U.S., so HOORAY! Peace is imminent!

On Thursday, Bammerz’s Justice Department sued Arizona’s Biggest Known Douche (Brewer is an angel compared to this jackhole,) Sheriff Joe Arpaio, “for allegedly refusing to cooperate with a federal investigation into accusations the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office discriminates against Hispanics.” Arpaio says he is “America’s toughest sheriff,” and probably he was hatefucking a child-size burrito and chanting his personal slogan when he got the news about the case.

Now it is Friday, and this morning Bam Bam made Jake Tapper mad by neglecting to mention a net job loss of 54,000 in August. This is mostly due to Census workers going gentle into that good night, heading back to their mansions in Boca after enjoying a nice few months knocking on the doors of drunk and belligerent Fellow Americans who couldn’t be bothered to fill out one freaking form.

That’s all for this week! If you live on the East Coast, enjoy your fuckstorm, Earl. If you live on the West Coast, enjoy your proximity to earthquakes, in Thailand.

Oh! And one more thing? I think Meg McCabe seems like a fun gal and I’m going to buy her book this weekend. I’m not even kidding. SUCK ON THAT YOU MONSTERS, YOU HATEFUL DEATH MONSTERS.

Sara Benincasa is basically neighbors with Meghan McCain so why can’t they be friendsies and hang out and brush each other’s hair or whatever? Why is everyone so fucking mean?

Barack Obama - George W. Bush - United States - Rahm Emanuel - Oval Office

Monkeypox — named for the lab monkey who discovered it after being injected with horrible diseases by cruel humans — is probably going to kill you, tomorrow:

There is no cure, and it makes your skin look like this. Smallpox or its vaccine immunizes people to monkeypox, but since smallpox was declared eradicated, the number of monkeypox cases has surged. In 2003, cases of monkeypox were found in the U.S. after the virus jumped from rats in Africa to American prairie dog owners.

This virus comes from Africa, does it? Isn’t Kenya near there? Just sayin’.

Africa - Smallpox - Monkeypox - United States - Barack Obama

We all know that 9/11 is the best holiday ever. It’s like Christmas and the Fourth of July and Halloween combined! Dick Cheney is alive right now just because he willed himself to see another 9/11. But according to Politico, who have labeled the situation “awkward,” like a 19-year-old coed, Barack Obama has nowhere to go this year. The site in Pennsylvania where that one plane ran into the ground? Michelle and Laura Bush are going to be there, so that 9/11 place is for girls. Eww! 9/11 cooties! Obama can’t go to the Pentagon, because he went there last year, and everyone knows that that one isn’t important enough to visit twice. As for the World Trade Center site, well, umm, there will be anti-mosk protesters there.

Yes, protesters will be there to yell and froth about Muslim Americans and their rights, solemnly, joined by noted American patriot anti-Muslim Dutch MP Geert Wilders. But who can blame them for wanting to scream at Obama when he’s trying to hug widows and put that damn wreath at the pile of damn wreaths? So, omg, you guys, awkwaaaaaaaaard.

Politico says Obama’s only option is to go hang out with some troops for the day, because they’re sorta nine-eleveny. But that’s not as good. It’s like eating pheasant instead of turkey on Thanksgiving. Or, in Obama’s case, eating turkey instead of non-Muslims on Thanksgiving, because he likes to EAT white people.

But also Obama does not want to go to the World Trade Center site this year because he needs to make the big 10-year anniversary the biggest party ever, and that means the bright lights and big city and lots of hookers who look like Dick Cheney, and thus NEW YORK, BABY.

But also also, when does 9/11 become a thing our presidents don’t feel they have to commemorate every year? You think FDR went to Hawaii every year to commemorate the Pearl Harbor attacks? No, he stayed at home, gettin’ wasted and injecting himself with that sweet, sweet Polio. [Polio Politico]

Barack Obama - Dick Cheney - Laura Bush - World Trade Center - Pearl Harbor

You know what a gentleman does when he turns on his TV and sees a lady in distress, stuttering and struggling with a simple task like reading dumb talking points off of a piece of paper? He certainly doesn’t go put a mean YouTube up for people to laugh at. No, a true refined individual would see a delicate flower in distress, one who requires assistance; he’ll say, “How can I help?” And, if he’s the heir to the Mellon dynasty’s banking fortunes, he’ll reach into his desk drawer and write a check with a seven-digit figure on it to send to her, along with a note that says “I hear those Dale Carnegie courses can really help you out with the public speaking.”

Ha ha, just kidding! Timothy Mellon doesn’t actually care about Jan Brewer’s eloquence. He just wants her to keep deporting the browns.

A Wyoming man has given more than $1.5 million to help defend Arizona’s controversial immigration enforcement measure in court, Gov. Jan Brewer’s office said Thursday.

The contribution from Timothy Mellon of Saratoga is the largest to Brewer’s defense fund, which has amassed more than $3.6 million from 41,000 donors nationwide. Mellon could not immediately be reached for comment.

Mellon’s previous claim to fame was that he owned some minor railroads in Maine and New Hampshire and then he bought the Pan Am brand, because he wanted to ride a train to the moon. He wanted to start an actual airline, too, but the Feds decided that the company “is not financially fit and does not possess the managerial competence to conduct any air transportation operations and has failed to comply with the regulations governing its operations.” So now he’s giving his money to Jan Brewer instead, which sounds like a fine idea. Because she needs the money pretty badly, right?

Defending the state against lawsuits related to its tough new immigration law has cost more than $440,000 to date, and outstanding bills could easily add up to an excess of $1 million or more.
…
The fund has received more than $3.6 million in donations to date.

Whoah, two million in the bank! Now Arizona can pass a whole bunch of sue-worthy laws. It’ll be fun! [AP/USA Today]

Jan Brewer - YouTube - United States - Arizona - New Hampshire

And what has the politics biblioburro brought us this week? Why, it’s Dirty Sexy Politics by Meghan McCain, America’s flaxen-haired princess of dirt and sex and politics. Meg is a Renaissance Woman, you see: heiress to beer treasures, daughter of ancient sea beast John McCain, Twitress, columnist for Tina Brown’s Internet bestiality mag, plus an author of a children’s book and now of this scorching campaign trail exposé. Dirty Sexy Politics chronicles the adventures of Meg and her “McCain Blogette” staff on the 2008 campaign trail, where they rode from Holiday Inn to Holiday Inn on the back of an obliging elephant (lewdly pictured on the cover and back of this book). The book contains many surprises, revelations, and memorable scenes. Best of all: YOU’RE in it. We mean this literally: Meghan writes about you, the Wonkette commentariat.

We’ll get to the Wonkette sex scene in a moment. First, let’s think about the wider literary context in which Meg is writing. The campaign trail and convention chronicle is a great and hilarious sub-genre of American literature. Mencken did it, Vidal did it, Hunter S. Thompson did it in his rambunctious classicFear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail ’72. Even better, in your reviewer’s opinion, is a book called American Nomad, in which excellent and under-appreciated L.A. novelist Steve Erickson uses the dull 1996 election to write a stunning/funny/weird/prophetic mediation on the American subconscious. It also has an elephant on its cover! How does Meghan McCain fit into this tradition?

She begins with a mini-essay on something called “crazy-sex,” which isn’t the same thing as crazy sex. Or maybe it is:

Each day of togetherness on a campaign, stuck on a bus or airplane, listening to one more stump speech, brought you closer and closer until, very slowly over time, even the most boring campaign drones and journalists started to seem attractive. Campaign goggles can distort reality very powerfully and are the cause of almost all crazy-sex and other campaign hookups.

Meg says she didn’t engage in any of this “crazy-sex” during the campaign, but “Stories abound, and I’m sure you’ve heard some, about how wild and raucous and lusty political life can be, especially during a Presidential election.”

Well no, Meg, we haven’t heard the stories. That’s why we’re reading your sex-politics book in the first place! Why are you so maddeningly non-specific here? Come on, DISH.

We do hear about some lady journalist who drank too much and engaged in all manner of embarrassing flirtation and “hookups,” but we’re given no clues as to who it might be. (Helen Thomas?)

Anyway, at some point Meghan decided to document her Pop-Pop’s campaign on a blog, with the help of her buddies Heather (unruffled, serene) and Shannon (hot, tattooed, Korean) and their trusty Republican elephant transport. Not everyone appreciated this new “McCain Blogette” experiment, however. Among the detractors was a certain sinister web pamphlet:

A Washington, DC-based gossip blog called Wonkette was the first to have a go. The screaming headline said it all: “JOHN MCCAIN’S OTHER DAUGHTER HAS A LAME BLOG!!!”

[...]

Horrified, I scrolled down to look at the reader’s comments, hoping people would have written in to defend my mom or me. But their remarks were even worse, a dark pit of meanness, mostly about me. Readers had said things like: “She makes the girls from the Baba Bing club look fresh,” referring to the strippers on The Sopranos. Yeah, real nice stuff.

I was a total mess — who wouldn’t be? — and cried for hours.

There are a lot more memorable scenes, surprises and revelations in Dirty Sexy Politics. Cataloging them all might require a list (and a ten-billion-word blog post):

• The McCain household is veritable desert-elephant compound, Meg claims: “We had them all over our house in Phoenix — elephant sculptures, paintings, picture frames, and wall hangings. We even had an elephant bathroom that had elephant wallpaper with small bronze and silver elephants on it.”
• Meghan may have aggravated the “Wonkette,” but she also aggravated her father’s campaign director Steve Schmidt. Meghan is downright unkind about Steve’s “big paunch,” giant bald head, and “drill sergeant” personality. Worst of all, he didn’t like “McCain Blogette.”
• Despite the fact that she “love[s] the idea of the Heartland,” one of the early lessons Meghan learns is that the Heartland kind of sucks. She has this revelation in an Iowa motel.
• Meghan can do pathos! This is one of the saddest things we’ve ever read: “… I saw Duncan Hunter across the street, on a corner of the intersection. He was standing with his wife and maybe two other people. He was holding a sign that said ‘Duncan Hunter for President.’”
• Meg still hasn’t forgiven George W. Bush and his “creepy” handler Karl Rove for their wacky prank calls during the 2000 South Carolina primary. Thus her vote for what’s-his-name in 2004.
• REVELATION: Meghan never wanted her father to choose Sarah Palin as a running mate. She would have preferred Joe Lieberman, whom Meg thinks is one of the “funniest” humans on earth. We agree. Joe has been known to walk around with a hilarious hand-buzzer that electrocutes Arabs upon a (seemingly) normal, friendly handshake. He also does a classic version of the “Old Man Gets Hit in the Balls” stand-by.
• SURPRISE, Republicans are philistines. Even her own father makes fun of Meg’s Columbia degree in some elitist subject called “art history,” which will never be practical for bombing goat-herders.
• She runs into someone code-named “Ana Marie Cox” on page 162, and they seem to get along well enough.

There’s a lot more: a night out in Nashville slamming whiskey with popular country feller John Rich; the realization that her father’s campaign created a monster and dragged it out of Alaska to terrorize the whole world; and an odd chapter about a White House tea party with Laura and Jenna Bush that people think is important for reasons your reviewer can’t quite decipher. The turning point of the book is when Meg’s wacky antics — her blogging, her “stripper blond” hair, her swearing, her posing with a Bud Light in GQ — get her kicked off the campaign. And then Sarah Palin and her fertile brood come along and soak up all the airtime and attention. This is when the scales fall from Meghan’s eyes and she realizes that the GOP doesn’t have room for non-pregnant blond people in New York.

Meghan ends Dirty Sexy Politics with a call for the Republican Party to reach out to gay people and the young. She prays for the ghost of Barry Goldwater to rise from the Arizona sands and restore “the party of freedom and the individual,” says something about how she’s socially liberal but still likes war/militarism, etc. Why doesn’t she just join the Democrats, then? Ha, you’re right: the Democrats aren’t THAT socially liberal.

Anyway. The book doesn’t quite deliver on its promise of dirt and sex, but there’s something delightful on every page!

Dirty Sexy Politics by Meghan McCain, Hyperion,194 pages, $14.39

Send tales of political dirt, sex, and elephant art to greer.mansfield@gmail.com.

Meghan McCain - John McCain - Sarah Palin - George W. Bush - United States

You might recall that Tim Pawlenty distinguished himself this week by turning down federal sex ed money and then money for health care for children. You probably think that this is just because Tim Pawlenty loves the thought of Minnesota’s young people catching sex diseases and then not being able to cure them, because they don’t have health insurance. And that may well be true, but he also has a higher-minded reason: he needs to get Minnesota off the crack rock, and if a few kids have to get pregnant and/or die in the process, well, that’s a small price to pay.

Tim Pawlenty, who has totally not decided whether or not he’s running for president, just happened to be Fox News’ Your World With Neil Cavuto (maybe he wandered into the studio by mistake, looking for the place where you bring back federal money you don’t want?) and had this to say, about federal money and the taking thereof:

Instead of all just running around saying, “We’ll take the money because it’s free money,” let’s call it what it is: The federal government is basically a drug dealer trying to give out free samples, or give people a taste, get them further addicted. And I think we just say: “No, thanks, we’ve had enough, and get your own house in order, by the way, at the same time.”

It’s true that the thrill one gets from seeing healthy children and non-crumbling infrastructure in one’s state is better than the high one gets from the finest opium from the mystic East. However, we might take issue with the idea that these federal handouts are “free samples,” since, last we checked, Minnesotans were still required to pay federal taxes. It’s more as if your local drug dealer extracted money from everyone on your block, but then you refused his weekly handouts of crack cocaine that was purchased and cooked up using those extracted moneys. Oh, and also, in this analogy, “crack cocaine” is not a dangerous drug that can kill you, but is instead something that’s actually good. So it’s like you’re giving your drug dealer money but not accepting the delicious, nutritious food that he delivers, with his “meals on wheels” service.

But whatever, Tim Pawlenty “just says no” to food that he didn’t grow himself. Maybe Minnesota will be a crappier place as a result, but what does he care, he’ll be in D.C. in a couple years anyway. See ya, Fargo-gnomes! [AP]

Tim Pawlenty - Minnesota - Health care - Health - Federal government of the United States

This is special:

Asked to name the current chief justice of the Supreme Court, and given four possible names, nearly one-in-ten Americans (8%) choose Thurgood Marshall, despite the fact that Justice Marshall left the Supreme Court roughly 20 years ago, and passed away in 1993. In fact, very few Americans can name the current chief justice in a Pew Research news quiz; just 28% were able to correctly identify John Roberts. Another 6% thought the recently retired Justice John Paul Stevens was chief justice, while 4% named Sen. Harry Reid. A majority (53%) admitted that they did not know the answer.

You can read here how this shows why “the white progressive’s burden” of helping the rest of America learn about John Roberts’ evil ways is so time consuming. Because how can Americans know John Roberts is evil if they don’t even know that he is the funny man who plays the vampire on HBO?

Thurgood Marshall - John Paul Stevens - Supreme Court - United States - Supreme Court of the United States

A giant racist Tea Bagger shadow has been cast over Middle-Earth (continental United States). And every day this racism grows, because nobody is strong enough to stand up and say, “Stop being racist,” and also Americans are too fat to stand up. And so, races from all corners of the liberal blogosphere have answered the call, probably on Skype. From Lonely Libtard Mountain come the Media Matters Dwarfs, and from H Street the Soros Elves of ThinkProgress. The Men from the NAACP showed up, and also uh, the Ents who hail from New Left Media. Have they all assembled to hear Yglesias the great Wizard recite his famous stories about barbershop deregulation? (No, that was yesterday.) This holy fellowship was formed to vanquish the near-impossible task of “documenting all the racist things Tea Bagger Orcs say/do/write on their cardboard signs and tank tops.”

Wait a second, isn’t there an Internet website that ALREADY DOES THIS?

Is the Fellowship of the Libtard trying to put your Wonkette out onto the streets, where it will be forced to sell its soft, innocent flesh to rapey K Street Grendels? Let us inspect the Fellowship’s new MySpace page, “Tea Party Tracker,” to find out:

“A watched teapot never boils”? This actually is a common misconception, one studied by scientists on the teevee show Mythbusters and proved to be false.

And now the obligatory blockquote of “real” information:

The site’s success will likely be measured in the “gotcha” moments it can accumulate that aim to embarrass or undermine the Tea Party movement. The submissions will most often come from citizen journalists, who have grown in form and fashion since Sen. George Allen of Virginia was ousted from his Senate seat in 1996 after his “macaca” moment.

Yes, that was fun when the Democratic Party uploaded those WAV files of George Allen’s racist diatribes to their Prodigy account, in 1996. Arianna Huffington (Sauron) is going to be so pissed when she finds out the Fellowship of the Libtard has stolen all of her unpaid citizen journalists and is secretly plotting to throw them all into a volcano, keeping her from becoming more powerful.

Let us conclude this nerd epic by calling on these brave liberals to band together and fight Evil, like the desert Freman warriors in Dune. (And now Yours Truly will never be able to convince a lady to touch him ever again.) [Tea Party Tracker/Fox News]

United States - Democratic Party - Tea - George Allen - Tea Party movement

Oh, sad face, did you know that the Republican National Committee, which solely exists to raise money for Republican candidates, has no money? It had money at one point, we suppose, but somehow it let it all slip through its fingers, or maybe nobody was giving new money to it because Republicans don’t like giving money to black people like Michael Steele. Remember, even for the committee’s core expenditures, like lesbian bondage clubs, they needed some donor to front them the money, which they promised to totally pay back! Does this mean that the Republicans will lose big in November, because they have no money? Probably not!

The Politico, a trade publication for the chartered accountant industry, has a fun “follow the money” story about how state Republican parties will fund their inevitable 2010 victories. Well, at first it seems like it will be fun, because it contains factoids like this:

“I understood that the lack of resources from the RNC was going to have a severe impact on what the parties were going to be able to do,” said Tom Whatman, a former Ohio state party executive director
…
In the 2008 election cycle, Ohio alone received $5 million from the RNC for its voter turnout operation, according to the Federal Election Commission. In the 2006 midterm elections, it received $4 million. As of early September, the Buckeye State has received less than $500,000 from the RNC, according to FEC and RNC records and officials.

Similar steep reductions in aid are on track for other major swing states, including Pennsylvania, where the party is hoping to capture the governorship, multiple House seats, and control of the state legislature.

“We have so many candidates running in competitive races. We need more funds than even in a normal year. We are hoping that having the wind at our back will help overcome the financial shortfall we will have,” said Mike Barley, a spokesman for the Republican Party of Pennsylvania. “There are so many people with their hands out.”

The vision of aimless Republican hobos wandering about begging for change is a pleasing one, but the article then bogs down into stories about all the independent organizations that have sprung up to do Michael Steele’s job for him, which will lead to those hobos buying solid gold campaign offices.

One group that looms in the background is the newly Fox-funded Republican Governors Association! They have so much money that they’re just cold givin’ it away to people who don’t even need money, like millionaire Florida gubernatorial candidate Rick Scott. Kaplan Test Prep News Outlet and Analogy Factory scribe Christ Cillizza says the RGA is “doubling down — literally — on its investment in Florida” by giving $4 million, despite a total lack of evidence that any delicious chicken-fat sandwiches were involved in the transaction.

Anyway, the RGA is run by hilariously corpulent and corrupt ex-lobbyist and Mississippi governor Haley Barbour, and Republicans love money, so probably he’ll be nominated for president in 2012. At least Barbour has proved conclusively that Southern Republicans were at the forefront of the civil rights movement, making him worthy to be our second black president. [Politico/WP/Salon]

Republican - Republican National Committee - Haley Barbour - Michael Steele - Federal Election Commission

The Taliban is trying so hard to transform Afghanistan into a backward Sharia land, and yet, every day we see more and more signs of proper Westernization:

One of the principal owners of the Afghan bank at the center of an accelerating financial crisis here said depositors had withdrawn $180 million in the past two days. He predicted a “revolution” in the country’s financial system unless the Afghan government and the United States moved quickly to help stabilize the bank.

Khalilullah Frozi, one of the two largest shareholders of Kabul Bank, said reports indicating that the institution had lost as much as $300 million were overstated. But he predicted that if Afghan depositors continued to withdraw their money at the current rate, Kabul Bank would almost certainly collapse, undermining confidence in the nascent financial system the Afghans have been trying to build with American help.

Afghanistan - Kabul Bank - United States - Sharia - Bank

In Delaware, the Teabagger’s Choice® for U.S. Senate is Christine O’Donnell — a political commentator-tot and “marketing consultant” who is running against longtime CongressRINO Mike Castle in the September 14 Republican primary. The Tea Party Express says they plan on spending 250,000 Teabag Bucks on O’Donnell’s campaign, which comes out to one dollar for every personal issue she seems to have. Hurling the gay “insult” at Castle isn’t one of those issues, though! Neither is masturbation. Understanding what the word “tie” means, however … well.

O’Donnell appeared on the program of some conservative Delaware talk-show host who supported her in 2006, but now has buyer’s remorse — and boy, was she something else. For one thing, the gal just won’t STFU — just steamrolls right over you. For another, she seems to believe that people win elections according to the percentage of votes they win, not the actual number of votes. Try to follow along as this modern-day Abbott & Costello discuss the candidate’s failed 2008 bid to unseat then-Senator Joe Biden (who now plays Costello to Barack Obama’s Abbott in the mini-series “Presidential Follies”):

HOST: Christine! [Says her name about 15 more times, trying to get her to stop talking] … You did not TIE Joe Biden in Sussex County.

O’DONNELL: Look at the results!

HOST: I did.

O’DONNELL: Look at the result.

HOST: He beat you. It was close—

O’DONNELL: And what did they say? 49-49? I call that a tie! Hahahahah …

HOST: No, Christine. He, he won in votes. You know that.

O’DONNELL: No no! What, what, what did, what did, what does the election result say that I got?

HOST: They say that you got less votes than he did.

Then she insists it was a tie, again—adding that in 2008 Joe Biden had lots of money, and she was tired, and you know, when you’re tired you say things.

When the radio guy asked O’Donnell about her financial problems, including her still-unpaid campaign debt from two years ago, she suggested that Mike Castle was giving him money to ask such questions. She’ll still pray for him, though, so that his soul doesn’t end up in Masturbator Hell, along with — ahem — Mike Castle’s.

Speaking of Mike Castle’s sex life, O’Donnell was asked what she thought of this video, posted on the cheesy conservadouche website Liberty.com, that claims he cheated on Mrs. Castle with a “Mr. Man”:

O’Donnell’s former campaign spokesman, a lad named Yates Walker, now works at Liberty.com and has defended the video despite having no evidence at all that Castle has ever gone sweet on señores. Apparently, Walker and his Liberty friends made the video on their own, not for O’Donnell’s campaign — which is sad, if they’ve got nothing else going on besides making shitty, dumb Mike Castle videos. At any rate, O’Donnell doesn’t endorse the video, because she’d never say Castle is gay — it’s an “insult.”

As for Castle, his campaign has launched RealChristine.com, which is all about O’Donnell’s debt, tax, and other issues — and which also inspires a new nickname. Yes, welcome to Wonkette, RealChristine. [WGMD/YouTube]

Christine O'Donnell - Joe Biden - Mike Castle - Tea Party Express - United States Senate

Louisiana Democrats have just released a movie documenting the tragic tale of born-again Republican David Vitter, whose blessed, pure heart was once contaminated with an insatiable lust for hookers. In the new film, Vitter doesn’t fall in love with any of his prostitutes — he just gathers up his clothes and used condoms, and scoots on outta there. It’s not a very romantic way to approach extra-marital relationships, if you think about it.

Officially titled Forgotten Crimes: Lawmaker, Lawbreaker, the short film points out that Vitter was never officially punished for his sins despite phone records and polygraph-passing prostitutes pointing to his guilt (under Louisiana’s Napoleonic Code, he would have been charged with “bein’ a Jean”). But in some ways Vitter has suffered more than he ever deserved, simply by having to live out the rest of his days as “Diaperman.”

Fox News experts say the timing of the Dems’ video — right before the November election — shows that they want Vitter to lose. Quite a nasty campaign move, isn’t it? If the Dems understood biblical values, they would concede the election and never again bring up anything that relates to Vitter’s “serious sin.” They would talk about his virtuous acts, such as returning illegal campaign contributions made by dead women. He also has nice hair. [YouTube/Fox News]

Louisiana - David Vitter - Democratic - United States - Prostitution

• Why does Barack Obama refuse to cultivate a warm, tender relationship with George W. Bush? Is it because Bush is the jackass who is largely responsible for all the problems that are making Obama’s life so miserable? Or is it because Obama is a mean old sourpuss, and racist against Texans as well? The second one, probably. Did you notice that Barack Obama didn’t even bother to thank Bush for starting the Iraq War the other day, when Obama went on TV to announce that we’d won it? That’s not gratitude. [NYT]
• Thanks to the Citizens United decision, an anti-abortion group can start running ads against Democrats because they voted for the health care bill — remember, the health care bill that pissed off all the pro-choice people because it limits abortion coverage? [WP]
• BP’s “little accident” has cost the company $8 billion so far. How can they pay for this mess, unless they’re allowed to drill for oil in the Gulf using their other explosion-prone oil rigs? [BBC/NYT]

Barack Obama - George W Bush - Iraq War - United States - Citizens United

1998-throwback site Bare-Naked Islam treats the Muslim issue with smart commentary and reasoned discourse. Haha, just kidding, it’s just the worst batshit-crazy paranoid trash-dump of truly bizarre xenophobic bullshit you’re likely to see. Just remember, Islamaphobia isn’t real, it’s just a media fantasy perpetuated by your Wonkette:

MUSLIMS ARE LIKE DOGS……
……except Muslims use mosques instead of urine to mark their territory.

The Intelligence of Dogs gives us the classical explanation of this myth: “All canines use urine … to mark the limits of their territories. In males this marking behavior is usually accompanied by leg lifting to direct the urine against large objects (trees, rocks, bushes) to place the scent at nose height for other dogs and to allow the scent to radiate over a large area. Some African wild dogs … scrabble as high up the trunk of a tree as possible before squirting their message.”

[Muslims use mosques to mark their conquests. In Muslim males, this marking behavior is usually accompanied by leg lifting against large objects (buildings in Manhattan, temples in Jerusalem, churches in Egypt, temples in India, etc.) to allow the structure to be seen from as wide an area as possible.]

First of all, dogs urinate far beyond the boundaries or limits of their so-called territory. Dogs don’t just urinate on large objects, but on vertical objects (trees, posts), unfamiliar or inorganic objects (tires, plastic bags, fire hydrants), and on top of another dog’s urine (males usually urinate on top of another male’s scent, but not on top of a female’s).

[Muslims mosquefy an area far beyond the boundaries of decency and sensitivity. Muslims don't just leave their mark on large objects but on vertical objects as well (high rise buildings), and on top of infidel burial sites (Ground Zero)]

And yes, this is really on there:

Islam - Muslim - Manhattan - Egypt - Jerusalem

“When asked why he put the ad up, DeJean told CNN Thursday that ‘I’m a dentist and I don’t think this country is headed in the right direction.’” THANK YOU, WILLIAM DEJEAN. That’s what we’ve all been thinking. We are dentists and we don’t think this country is headed in the right direction! We are dentists and we don’t think this country is headed in the right direction! WE ARE DENTISTS AND WE DON’T THINK THIS COUNTRY IS HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!

DeJean adds that he thinks people are having buyer’s remorse about President Barack Obama and says the current administration is ruining the Democratic Party. He says he spent $5,000 to create the commercial and tells CNN that besides New Orleans, the ad will run in Washington, New York and Los Angeles, and possible Houston. DeJean says he chose to first run the ad in New Orleans because he’s a native of the city and because the city’s in the news due to the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.

“I didn’t expect to see any ads about 2012 before the midterms in 2010, although this will likely not be a big TV buy, Mr. DeJean clearly is motivated to see change,” says Evan Tracey, Campaign Media Analysis Group and CNN’s consultant on political TV ad spending.

Yes, you don’t expect it, but never underestimate the will of random crazy citizens of the United States to buy crazy ads.

CUE BLUE LASER BEAMS! CUE INSPIRING CHILDREN’S-MOVIE MUSIC! CUE WEIRD GIANT LOGO WITH CHARCOAL DRAWING OF HILLARY!

Let’s get this 2012 campaign rolling! Let’s do it for dentistry! [CNN]

United States - Hurricane Katrina - Barack Obama - New Orleans - Los Angeles